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8 Manipulative Parenting Habits That Still Affect You as an Adult, According to Psychologists
There is a ton of social media fodder about toxic parents and cutting off family members. And while the choice to go no-contact with parents can be right for some people, it might not feel like the correct route for you. You may find it difficult to think of your mom or dad as anything but loving, and you certainly may wish to steer clear of labeling their tactics as "manipulative." But as it turns out, two things can be true at once.
"Even the most loving parents can use manipulative strategies unconsciously, and these are often learned from their own upbringing," says Dr. Crystal Saidi, Psy.D, a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks. "These patterns do not disappear simply with age, and often show up in adulthood as anxiety, depression and chronic self-doubt."
You may feel like you should "just get over it," but Dr. Saidi reminds us that early family dynamics shape how we see ourselves, others and the world. It's never good to sweep things under the rug because they usually always come back to bite you. But in facing your deep-rooted issues head-on, you're helping yourself in the longrun.
And awareness is critical for true healing. To help with that, psychologists share eight manipulative parenting habits that may still affect you as an adult.
Related: Psychologists Warn: These 7 ‘Nice’ Phrases from Parents and Grandparents Actually Create Anxiety in Kids
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1. Guilt-based loveThis one is sneaky because your parents may have used it in a well-meaning attempt to raise you as a law-abiding, never-entitled adult.
"Parents may have used guilt to encourage gratitude and obedience," Dr. Saidi says. "As adults, this can create a deep fear of disappointing others and prioritizing others’ needs over one’s own."
A parent's love is, ideally, unconditional, but it may not have felt that way growing up if they only praised you when you met their standards, such as having a certain GPA.
"This taught children that love must be earned, often leading to perfectionism and low self-worth in adulthood," Dr. Saidi says.
Related: People Who Were ‘Perfectionists’ in Childhood Often Develop These 7 Traits as Adults, a Psychologist Says
Some parents may twist a child's natural concern for their health to their benefit.
"Parents may turn to health crises to gain attention and reassurance when they feel afraid, lonely or unsure how to ask directly for emotional closeness," states Dr. Dale Atkins, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and author of The Turquoise Butterfly. "It uses fear and urgency to ignore boundaries... This can result in adult children living in a state of high alert and obligation, often not realizing whether an illness is real or imagined."
Not all vibes are good, but your parents may have tried to insist otherwise through emotional silencing, a manipulative habit.
"In these scenarios, feelings are or were not talked about," Dr. Atkins says. "They were ignored or diminished. Parents avoid direct conversations, yet there is a feeling of what is unsaid in the air. Adult children feel as if they walk on eggshells or avoid talking about emotions to avoid upsetting their parents."
Related: 8 Genius Comebacks for Dealing With a Manipulator, According to Psychologists
Parenthood requires sacrifice, but it wasn't your fault or burden to bear.
"Parents who constantly remind their children of how much they are sacrificing for them are using guilt as a tool for emotional control," reports Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., PMH-C, a psychologist and owner of Phoenix Health. "This habit develops out of a parent's own sense of inadequacy and martyrdom."
However, you may start to internalize the idea that you owe your parents.
"As an adult, this can manifest as difficulty setting boundaries and accepting help, and a sense that one constantly 'owes' others," she notes.
This one is beyond unfair and is especially common during divorces.
"It happens when a parent uses a child to relay messages to others or side with them against another family member," Dr. Guarnotta says. "This habit comes from a parent's own fear of conflict or need to maintain power. It's manipulative because it forces children to be a buffer and choose."
Related: Do Manipulators Know What They’re Doing? A Psychologist Shares the Truth
Growing up in a home where someone practiced this manipulative parenting tactic can have a profound long-term effect.
"Parents might use fear or threatening statements to ensure compliance of the child," shares Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. "This can continue to impact the child into their adulthood years, fearing others, becoming avoidant of confrontation and not being able to stand up for themselves."
You might do a double-take here.
"Of course, every parent should praise and encourage their child," Dr. Goldman says.
However, it's more about the underlying motive behind the use of praise.
"Some parents will excessively compliment their child to 'butter them up' before asking for something or making a demand," she warns. "This might include a statement such as, 'You know you’re the only person I trust with this, I can’t turn to your siblings, you are so amazing when you help me.' Then, the request will follow."
Related: Psychologists Warn: These 11 Subtle Behaviors Are Signs You’re Being ‘Emotionally Controlled’
Self-doubt is common among adults raised by manipulative parents, but Dr. Guarnotta stresses that it's vital to trust your gut because your experiences are valid.
"In practice, this can look like noticing if you are second-guessing yourself or even gaslighting your own experience," she shares. "Understanding how your childhood may have contributed to difficulty trusting yourself can also be very helpful. A good therapist can guide you toward this insight."
Grief is uncomfortable but necessary for healing.
"In practice, this can look like putting words to what you are feeling and even talking about
it with a professional, like a therapist," Dr. Guarnotta says. "Naming your experience is one of the most important steps in a healing journey."
Dr. Atkins says it's important to set realistic and consistent boundaries.
"These may relate to information that you share or don’t share, time spent together or in service to one another or responsibilities," she notes. "Boundaries are related to expectations, so it is important to recognize that those expectations may no longer be in synch."
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Sources:- Dr. Dale Atkins, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist and author of The Turquoise Butterfly.
- Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., is a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor.
- Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., PMH-C, is a psychologist and the owner of Phoenix Health.
- Dr. Crystal Saidi, Psy.D, is a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks.